I'm not a blogger.  I don't read blogs, usually.  I don't know even how to begin blogging.  What the heck am I doing?

So...what the heck am I doing?  I just had the urge.  The prompting.  I suddenly felt tonight like I needed to start a blog.  I needed to write some things down, and I needed to share them.  Even if it was only with one person.

I guess you could say that I've been going through a rainy season in my life.  It's filled with fantastic, more-than-I-could-ask-for blessings, of course.  But there seems to always be something.  Something.  Whether it's medical problems, a deep depression spell, our secondary infertility, the deep hurt of loved ones, my lack of patience and sudden irritability at everything...just something.  I just feel so overwhelmed at times, yet I know that I shouldn't complain about a darn thing.  I know that I have a fairy-tale life, and that I am blessed beyond what I could ever imagine.

So what's the problem?  What's the big deal?  That's what I keep asking myself.

Over the past few years, I have been on a mission.  A mission to get closer to God.  I have had the yearning and overwhelming desire to study, to pray, to change my life.  And it's hard.  But yet so easy.  It takes time, and more time, to start living your life in a way that you never had before.  But I am learning so much.  I feel like I am getting there...although at a snail's pace.

This year I began some new studies, as many do after January 1 and a list of New Year's resolutions.  This time it's been different though.  Something in me is moving, changing, and the fog is lifting.  I think that's what prompted me to start writing tonight.  And it feels fantastic.  Do you know how long it's been since I've written...anything?  Years.  I used to love writing, and could do it so naturally.  But I haven't felt like tapping the keys or putting ink to paper for so long.  Now all of a sudden, I can't type fast enough.  So weird.

Anyway...back to these new studies and how they have invaded my rainy season.  These past few weeks I have just been at my wits end.  Everything angers me.  I feel stiff and tense and on edge about everything.  I yell.  A lot.  My daughter covers her ears and it kills me.  I know something has to change, and quickly.  I go to my studies and I am moved to tears.  This is significant, because my tears have been dry for a long time.  Almost like I had to be brave for a while, but in the midst of being brave I forgot how to feel.  Oh to be able to feel again!

First on my list is to pray to God to invade my heart.  To give me a heart that wants to love him more than anything.  Have you ever seen those people who just exude Him?  Who are joyful no matter what?  I pray everyday to let me have a heart like that.  And do you know what?  Yesterday morning I woke up and the first thing I thought about was thanking God for the beautiful day (and it was a cloudy, rainy, dreary day).  When have I remembered to ever have that as my very first thought?  Never.  And I felt good almost all day!  Fantastic.  I think I'm on to something here.  I am going to continue to ask God to give me a supernatural love for Him every day, and we'll see what happens. :)

The second study I'm doing is on One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp.  After starting this book, I have been deeply moved.  So fluttery on the inside that I am just going to burst!  I want to invite everyone who is reading this to join me.  I think that's what I'm going to mostly write about in this blog for a while...a short lesson-learned summary as I read each chapter.  So you don't really have to read the book, but you'll know more fully what I am talking about if you do.  And, after you've read the first couple of chapters you'll know what I'm talking about here - The Eucharisteo Manifesto, I shall call it.  Little tidbits that I find each day to be thankful for.  Joyfully thankful for.  Maybe this will be the secret to living life with that heart that I so badly want.  To be full of joy no matter the season - rain or shine or sleet or snow or wind or hail or rainbows.